Catstravaganza!

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It’s only a little ironic that I find myself writing this post, a collection of material that is essentially an ode to cats, having suffered a poor night’s sleep specifically due to cats. What can you say about the furry little bastards that hasn’t already been said a hundred million different ways every single day on the internet? Nothing, that’s what. Which is why I made art about them instead.

Hey, have you heard about Cat Town? They are a non-profit organization in Oakland, California that rescues and rehabilitates cats and helps find them homes. They also run a cat cafe, where you can buy coffee and pastries and then go hang with some kitties for an hour or so. They also run a foster network, which is how I ended up adopting my cats, the ones who kept me up last night. Cat Town is great! And now some of my art is hanging up there.

All these things are going up for sale today! The theme is: Cats.

That one up there is called “A Meowican Gothic.” You may be surprised to learn that not only was that the best title I could come up with, it is literally the only thing that this could ever be named. I guarantee that if you sit down to try and think of a better title, you will be shocked to discover that nothing else is even remotely appropriate. I guess that’s what happens when you blatantly copy Grant Wood’s most famous painting and throw cats in it.

Is there more? Duh, of course there is. It’s a catstravaganza! Here’s a tiny little painting on watercolor paper.

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Also, some comics! (Click to enlarge)

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I even cleaned up one of my older comics, which you can see here.

Did I mention all these are for sale at Cat Town Cafe?

It is a whole group show thing, and I’ll be there this afternoon, and depending on how photogenic I am, there may even be some photographs that make their way onto the blog. That will mostly depend on whether a camera exists that won’t cause me to blink at the wrong time.

SCORE: A poor night’s sleep. But also: It’s an art show! That’s actually pretty good. 5/5

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Sketchbook Time

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You might not know the common theme that runs through this collection of drawings just by looking at them, but…

They’re all ink drawings!

Yes, I suppose that’s true, but I actually meant…

They all appear to be from the same sketchbook. Except that top drawing!

Yes, you’re right about that but you clearly peeked ahead. As I was saying…

That’s two common themes.

Yes, I guess it’s…

You should’ve said “One of the many themes.”

Right.

And you shouldn’t presume that people won’t see such obvious characteristics in this subject matter. How haughty of you!

I don’t think…

Of course you didn’t think! You never do!

I… apologize.

Well good. Thank you. You know, that’s a start.

I didn’t realize I was being so hurtful.

Well, you were.

Okay.

Okay then.

I’ll try to work on that.

Okay. That’s good.

As I was saying, the common theme in this collection is that everything was drawn while enjoying a cocktail! So…

Oh, how novel.

Are… you being sarcastic?

I don’t know, am I?

Well…what, was that not a good enough theme for you?

You built it up so much, I thought it would be better.

I didn’t try to…

You must be the first artist in history to have ever drawn a picture in the presence of alcohol. How incredibly original of you. And look: little black and white sketches. Hold on, let me just put the entire art world on speed dial.

Well, I…

The phone’s ringing. Yes, hello. I have an artist here who draws little black and white sketches. Yes, but wait, it gets better. He also draws these sketches while he’s been drinking!

You know, I was going to say…

Oh my god, they can’t believe it. They’re sending a helicopter full of agents right now!

That’s not…

And three biographers! They all want to know how you managed to redefine art in the 21st century, when there is SO MUCH else that could they could be paying attention to instead.

I think I…

And oh my goodness, there are naked ladies rushing out into the streets! All for you, Chad! All for you!

Well, I was going to say also that my wife and I drew these together. We sort of go out on dates and pass the sketchbook back and forth for a bit, and we fill it up with drawings together.

Oh. Well, that’s sweet.

 

 

Here are the sketches!

WILL ANY OF THESE DRAWINGS BE DEEMED WORTHY ENOUGH TO IMPROVE UPON? STAY TUNED TO oh it looks like the Fart Judge one is already up on the previous post.

Also, thanks to Wonkette for inspiring the drawing at the top! They are my favorite political site, and one of my favorite websites in general, and their managing editors visited Oakland, and I met them and they are all SO nice! Viva Wonkette!

SCORE: 10/10  The best drawings ever. Will re-ignite an already thriving art market.

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The Next Adam Sandler Movie

 

Fart_Judge_poster

He’s a normal guy.

Sandler: Hey, pass me the ketchup! (pours too much ketchup on french fries while other characters stare at him. This goes on until he looks up and says…) What?

With a normal life.

Kate Beckinsale: I love you. (kisses Sandler on mouth)

Sandler: (with unintentionally dead eyes) I love you too.

And one unusual job.

Sandler (in judge’s robes): I’m a judge.

Kevin James (on golf course, holding phone): C’mon, play a few rounds with me.

Sandler: I can’t. I’ve gotta go to work.

Kevin James: Well, you’re a judge, can’t you just… speed things along?

Sandler (on bench in the courtroom): Okay… guilty, guilty, guilty…. and you, I’m gonna say… innocent.

Defendant who looks guilty: (eyes bug out)

Sandler: Hey, don’t make me regret this, okay?

Defendant who looks guilty: (looks over at his lawyer, who shrugs)

Sandler shouting “Woo hoo!” while in the passenger seat of a golf cart, holding up a 9-iron in triumph.

But now, the trial of a lifetime…

Sexy female lawyer: He robbed three banks. And the only evidence we have…

Sandler: Yeah?

Sexy female lawyer: Is the smell of his farts.

(Record Scratch)

Is going to change everything.

(Cue AC/DC)

(Adam Sandler walking down hallway in slow motion)

One man…

(Grabs bowl of baked beans and lifts a heaping spoonful to his mouth)

Has to Prove…

David Spade: Here’s your line-up, sir (gestures to police line up of fat, schlubby guys)

Sandler: Do we really have to do this?

Sexy Female Lawyer: I don’t see any other way.

That Justice may be blind…

David Spade: Turn around boys

Sandler: (presses face close to a guy’s big ol’ fat butt) I don’t get paid enough for this.

Fat guy: (Faaaaaaaaaart)

Sexy Female Lawyer: Well?

Sandler: Pungent. Bean-y. A hint of cole-slaw. (brow furrows) Barbeque chicken?

Fat guy: (eating potato salad) You forgot the potato salad. (Farts again)

Sandler: Ah, there it is.

Sexy Female Lawyer: (Nods approvingly)

But it still stinks.

Chris Rock: Your honor, my client couldn’t possibly be the farting bandit! He simply…

Defendant: (Fart)

Chris Rock: …Doesn’t display any of the…

Defendant: (Fart)

Chris Rock: …Characteristics described by eyewitness testimony.

Defendant: (loooooooong fart)

Sandler: (looks at Chris Rock and raises eyebrow)

Chris Rock: I give up. I give up! Find another lawyer. This case stinks. Literally! This whole courtroom stinks. I’m out of here. (exits courtroom)

Sexy Famale Lawyer: The defense rests!

This summer…

(Sandler taking slow motion bite of raw brocolli)

Get ready…

Beckinsale: Did you have a good day at work, honey?

Sandler: Let’s just say… it was kinda crappy.

For the smelliest film of your life

Sandler: Did you just fart?

Kevin James: No!

Sandler: (smells air) Sour cream… Pinto beans… A hint of lettuce. Did you have taco salad for lunch?

Kevin James: (bewildered) How did you…

Sandler: I’m getting good at this.

 

(cue big blue block letters on white background)

 

FART JUDGE

2016

 

Score: A bag of popcorn; equal parts pride and shame.

Posted in Digital Art, Writing | Tagged , , , , | 3 Comments

A Walk in the Park

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One of the most amazing things about technology is that you can just sit there in an office chair, fiddling around on a computer, and at the end of the day your back hurts horribly because your L5 vertebrae is a piece of crap, but you also have managed to accomplish something, maybe.

Perhaps I am underselling it. In about two hours, I have managed to finish up a painting, write up some text, and hit a button that sends my work out to the entire world, and still have time to gently cry about the fact that nobody reads my blog anyway, and nothing has any meaning.

It seems pretty bad. However, it’s important to be thankful for what you have. Let’s look back at my attempt to write a blog post way back in the year 1890, and compare and contrast the types of problems I was facing then.

1890:

I wake up to the smell of feces, as one of my fellow hobos has relieved themselves into their own pants in the middle of the night. I clutch my folio of drawings to my chest, as if to protect them from the stench, and look around the rattling train car. It’s a cold dreary place, in addition to being noisy and violently shaking. “I may be stuck in a tin can now, but soon I’ll be a big shot in the city,” I think to myself. “As soon as the good men at the newspaper see my drawings, I’ll never sleep hungry again!”

There are a few worries though. Since I like to work in color, and because a reproduction method for color illustrations hasn’t been invented yet, a lot of the art I made probably won’t be usable. Additionally, anything made in black and white will have to be engraved from scratch by someone else entirely, and so it will probably look completely different by the time it is ready for print.

Ah, but that is just the way of the world. At least I’ll have a paying job and an enviable career.

A few days later I find myself in a ragged suit, walking toward the prestigious Chronicle building, portfolio in hand, nervous with anticipation. As I walk through the front door, a gruff man immediately asks “Who’re you?”

“I’m an illustrator, my good man,” I say with a tip and a wink.

“Well we don’t need one of those,” he says, and gets back to his work. A few anxious moments crawl by.

“Well, can I please speak to whoever is in charge of such things, anyway?” I ask. “I’m sure he would be very interested to see my particular style, in case he needs my work for the future.”

He becomes slightly leery, but eventually says, “Fine. You go wait in the corner.”

“Thank you!” I say. “Thanks a million!”

“Yeah.”

Hours later, I am approached by a disinterested man in a sweaty, but nicely made suit. “Okay kid, let’s see your drawings.”

My hands shaking with excitement, I unstrap my portfolio and reach in to present him with the first of my favorite works, so that I may describe to him the creative process that went into it, and more importantly, the subjective effects of artwork in general, and how my own style could come to fit into the pantheon. But while I am doing that, the man has taken my portfolio and begins rifling through it.

“What is this? All these drawings look like nonsense.”

“Oh, well. Yeah, you know…”

“What the hell is this supposed to be? I can’t publish this.”

“That’s a uh… brain car on the moon.”

“A what? What are you, marbles?”

“Um…”

“Look kid, you seem nice, but this is a newspaper. We need pictures of ship disasters, and buildings on fire, and guys aiming muskets at each other, and mining disasters, and advertisements for tonics.”

“Oh.”

He flips to the very back and finds a figure study. “Hey, look at this one, this one’s kind of normal. Not particularly good though.”

“Hmm.”

“I’ll tell you what. If you really need a job, you can be the guy who cleans the dangerous newspaper machines.”

“Well, I…”

“I’ll need to see how qualified you are first. Come right this way, I’ll lead you to a particularly filthy newspaper machine. I need to to really scrub it from the inside out. Right now.”

“But…”

“I’ll just throw these drawings in the trash.”

***

And that’s how I start the first day of my newspaper career! Haha. Blogging sure has come a long way since then.

But seriously, I need to start making a living at this crap somehow.

SCORE:  A scrubby rag and a wash bucket.

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WITCHER 3 COMICS

It’s hard to think of a better video game than The Witcher 3. I’ve been losing sleep to it for a couple of months now, and I expect that as soon as I finish the thing that I’ll fire it right back up again and lose a few months more. Not only is it fun to play on a visceral level, it is well-written, well-acted, and filled with the kind of subtlety and nuance that every other game has failed at so spectacularly since the dawn of time. Oh, and it’s visually stunning too. I can’t stop thinking about it. I want to play it right now. So obviously I had to make some dumb comics about it.

(Click to enlarge)

Oh, and if you were wondering about who won the Drunk Left-Handed Cat Challenge, my wife did. But it was close.

SCORE: The sound it makes when you level up (HAAAAAAAAGH!) and a Gwent card. It’s not one of the cards you really want, but it’s cool, you take it anyway.

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The Drunk, Left-Handed Cat Challenge!

Sometimes you are having a perfectly nice night, and a bottle of wine, or possibly even more wine than that, and you are suddenly overcome with the urge to compete. Such was the situation Quinn and I found ourselves in when we conceived of the great Drunk, Left-Handed Cat Challenge. It commenced as instantaneously as it was conceived, and lasted for more rounds than seems appropriate. And yet, for all of our efforts, we never really got an impartial verdict on who actually won this thing. So the only responsible thing to do was to scan the drawings, color them digitally, and then create the elaborate post you are now reading.

So if you are one of the two or three people who read this blog, you can vote on your favorite drawings and help settle this issue once and for all. Doesn’t that sound fun? It does, right? Where is everyone going?

The rules: Drink wine, and then, using the left hand, draw cats.

The players: Me (Chad) and my wife (Quinn).

ROUND 1

A Simple Cat, Any Style

Quinn: Dreaming of Vittles

Quinn’s: Starting things off with a cat on heavy pain medication.

Chad: Pleading Eyes

Chad’s: Pleading eyes beg for your vote.

ROUND 2

Sushi Cat!

Quinn: Can confirm she was playing fair for this one. Seems a bit too good though.

Quinn’s: I would trust this cat to make sushi for me.

Chad's: I do not trust this one at all, however.

Chad’s: I do not trust this at all. Why are you staring at me? How did I get here?

ROUND 3

Cat on Rollerskates

Quinn's: Oh my god.

Quinn’s: Oh god, its eyes!

This cat is dashing away from the other one.

Chad’s: This cat is happy because he is dashing away from the other one.

But wait… Let’s get a closer look at Quinn’s drawing.

Enhance!

Hellcat

Oh dear god!

ROUND 4

Cat and Fishbowl

You can see just how wildly creative we are by this point.

Quinn's: Those eyes...

Quinn’s: Its eyes again!

Chad's: Some extra color might help cover up this particular art crime.

Chad’s: Hmm, I’ll just color it until it isn’t bad oh no it’s not working!

ROUND 5

Puss in Boots

Quinn's: Dashing to the rescue

Quinn’s: Despite the adorableness, that princess is not having it.

Chad's: There are boots sure, but it's all about the pants.

Chad’s: There are boots, sure, but it’s all about the pants.

ROUND 6

A Cat Riding an Iguana

Quinn's: Probably the best drawing of a cat riding on iguana that yet exists on the internet.

Quinn’s: Probably the best drawing of a cat riding on iguana that yet exists on the internet.

Chad's: ...Or is it?

Chad’s: …Or is it?

ROUND 7

A mermaid, but a cat. A mer-cat.

Quinn's: I won't lie, this one's pretty good. But...

Quinn’s: Yeah, you think this is pretty good. But…

Chad's: BOOM. Mic drop.

Chad’s: BOOM, mer-cat in your face!

ROUND 8

“A Kitty Ascending Mt. Olympus”

It looks like the wine has kicked in by now, if it wasn’t apparent before.

Quinn's: This... seems pretty accurate actually.

Quinn’s: This… seems pretty accurate for a cat, actually.

Chad's: Less realistic.

Chad’s: Less realistic.

ROUND 9

Business Cat

Quinn's: An instant classic.

Quinn’s: I mean, this one clearly wins.

Chad's: ...Unless Angry Business cat has anything to say about it.

Chad’s: …Unless Angry Business Cat has anything to say about it.

ROUND 10

Arctic Kitties

Quinn's: Oh god, is this almost over?

Quinn’s: Oh god, is this almost over?

Chad's: Yes! There is only one more round to go!

Chad’s: Yes! This is the penultimate round, thank the Christ!

FINAL ROUND!

And for the last subject of the competition…

Neither of us remembers what this one was supposed to be.

Quinn's: Oh, it's like some sort of opera cat!

Quinn’s: Oh, it’s like some sort of opera cat!

Chad's: Or... Maybe... Hmm.

Chad’s: Or… Maybe… Hmm.

Decide!

Aaaaaaaaaaaand…. That’s it! Did you think to count up the totals yourself? Because that’s probably the best way to find out who the winner is.

Or I will just post the results later. Please subscribe to my blog, or save a link, or just leave a tab open for a week or more and then hit refresh to learn whatever the final score is.

And remember: Friends always let friends draw drunk. Unless they’re ruining something nice that they drew earlier. Then you should always not let friends draw drunk. Unless they are purposefully drunk because they are an artist who draws real well, but then gets drunk and ruins his own art because… that’s his thing, in which case there are quite a few more rules to be aware of. I will be sure to publish those at a later date.

UPDATE: As of August 14th, 2015, Quinn is the winner by one round. But then, it is worth mentioning, she won most of those rounds by a wide margin, statistically speaking. Congrats to the victor! Let that be a lesson to all the other bloggers out there who think they are the best at drinking and then drawing cats with their wrong hand. There is an established champion out there now.

Thanks to all of you who participate in the voting! You have earned yourselves either an adult beverage, or a cat. Whichever is more convenient.

Posted in Originals | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

The Topography of the Moon, Explained

Digital Painting: Use Responsibly.

Digital Painting: Use Responsibly.

“Cruisin’ on the Moon.” That should probably be the title of this painting. But for some reason I have named it “The Joy of Aqcuiring Resources.” What are the resources, you ask? Well, it has something to do with the floating dinosaur heads, obviously. Also, look, there is a squirrel burying pineapples, how much more symbolism do you need? Enough with the questions.

Actually, the real inspiration for this piece is a matter of historical record, but I do like to imagine that some of these strange things that blorp out of my brain (often, and particularly in this case, with a big assist) actually may contain some nugget of deeper meaning, however obtuse. Or else I am just a guy who likes to draw silly things, especially when a child thinks them up and then I get to take all the credit.

Aside from all that, it really is nice to look back and see that in the intervening years, I managed to gloss this drawing to a high sheen.

SCORE: A polishing cloth, and some polish; also: a pile of dinosaur heads

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