He’s a normal guy.
Sandler: Hey, pass me the ketchup! (pours too much ketchup on french fries while other characters stare at him. This goes on until he looks up and says…) What?
With a normal life.
Kate Beckinsale: I love you. (kisses Sandler on mouth)
Sandler: (with unintentionally dead eyes) I love you too.
And one unusual job.
Sandler (in judge’s robes): I’m a judge.
Kevin James (on golf course, holding phone): C’mon, play a few rounds with me.
Sandler: I can’t. I’ve gotta go to work.
Kevin James: Well, you’re a judge, can’t you just… speed things along?
Sandler (on bench in the courtroom): Okay… guilty, guilty, guilty…. and you, I’m gonna say… innocent.
Defendant who looks guilty: (eyes bug out)
Sandler: Hey, don’t make me regret this, okay?
Defendant who looks guilty: (looks over at his lawyer, who shrugs)
Sandler shouting “Woo hoo!” while in the passenger seat of a golf cart, holding up a 9-iron in triumph.
But now, the trial of a lifetime…
Sexy female lawyer: He robbed three banks. And the only evidence we have…
Sexy female lawyer: Is the smell of his farts.
Is going to change everything.
(Adam Sandler walking down hallway in slow motion)
(Grabs bowl of baked beans and lifts a heaping spoonful to his mouth)
Has to Prove…
David Spade: Here’s your line-up, sir (gestures to police line up of fat, schlubby guys)
Sandler: Do we really have to do this?
Sexy Female Lawyer: I don’t see any other way.
That Justice may be blind…
David Spade: Turn around boys
Sandler: (presses face close to a guy’s big ol’ fat butt) I don’t get paid enough for this.
Fat guy: (Faaaaaaaaaart)
Sexy Female Lawyer: Well?
Sandler: Pungent. Bean-y. A hint of cole-slaw. (brow furrows) Barbeque chicken?
Fat guy: (eating potato salad) You forgot the potato salad. (Farts again)
Sandler: Ah, there it is.
Sexy Female Lawyer: (Nods approvingly)
But it still stinks.
Chris Rock: Your honor, my client couldn’t possibly be the farting bandit! He simply…
Chris Rock: …Doesn’t display any of the…
Chris Rock: …Characteristics described by eyewitness testimony.
Defendant: (loooooooong fart)
Sandler: (looks at Chris Rock and raises eyebrow)
Chris Rock: I give up. I give up! Find another lawyer. This case stinks. Literally! This whole courtroom stinks. I’m out of here. (exits courtroom)
Sexy Famale Lawyer: The defense rests!
(Sandler taking slow motion bite of raw brocolli)
Beckinsale: Did you have a good day at work, honey?
Sandler: Let’s just say… it was kinda crappy.
For the smelliest film of your life
Sandler: Did you just fart?
Kevin James: No!
Sandler: (smells air) Sour cream… Pinto beans… A hint of lettuce. Did you have taco salad for lunch?
Kevin James: (bewildered) How did you…
Sandler: I’m getting good at this.
(cue big blue block letters on white background)
Score: A bag of popcorn; equal parts pride and shame.