On the Epidemic of Clowns
Everyone has seen a clown at one time or another. I bet you remember exactly what you were doing the first time you saw a clown biting a squirrel’s head off. Or carrying a soiled sack across a frighteninglly busy street. Perhaps, on an occasion such as this, the clown was even hit by a speeding car and then tumbled like a rag doll for several dozen feet before lying motionless on the ground for a period of time. Oh, but these are such specific incidences. “Dear writer,” you are no doubt thinking, “I have certainly seen a clown decapitate a squirrel, for who hasn’t! But I certainly have never stricken a clown with my own vehicle whilst driving about town.”
Yet incidences such as these continue to appear with frightening regularity. If the case of the clown crossing the street with a ruddy sack sounds far-fetched, think twice! This exact problem has becomee a common occurrence in every community. In all cases, the clown will rise up again unharmed —and many witnesses say that at this stage the the clown will lack the iris and pupil of the eye, but this is unverifiable as yet— and will approach the vehicle that hit them. It is a very bad situation for the driver, who will invariably scream at once, fixed in their seat as the clown approaches, and go completely insane. In a great many cases, the victim’s eyes will melt as well, which is a genuinely alarming circumstance.
The simple truth is that there are more clowns than there used to be. There was once a time when a person could grow from infancy to adulthood without ever so much as seeing a clown with their own eyes. One might hear of clowns in the newspapers, but only in the major cities, and only when a clown committed some terrifying act of supernatural violence beyond the usual. Those days are long behind us. Though it is often said that “a clown is best left alone,” the unfortunate truth is that there are so many these days that it is impossible to avoid running into them.
Too many mothers allow for the old guidelines of the past, in which children may walk or play alone outside, free from the constant and ever-present danger of a clown possessing their mind and taking over their actions. In the old days, this was a sensible method for maintaining public order. There were so few clowns back then that a boy or girl had a reasonable chance of growing up without ever feeling their body and mind give way to such terrifying forces. Those days are long behind us.
Of course, dear reader, I don’t mean to create a panic. Nobody likes to talk about clowns (or even think of them). That you have made it this far makes you more intrepid than most, so it is up to you to affect change! There is no problem that mankind faces –even that of clowns– that cannot be surmounted with science and common sense.
First: The most obvious. Mothers, don’t allow your children outside unattended. Because it is well-known that clowns prey on children more heartily than on adults — and with greater relish— children should be blindfolded at all times while outside and led everywhere by your hand alone. It may seem an inconvenience to walk your child to and from school each day, and to restrict their activities to the in-doors at every occasion, but think of what you are saving yourself from! When —not if— a clown’s hand comes lashing out of the gutter or from under a vehicle to grip your child by the ankle, you can rest assured that the terror he feels will not last the lifetime that it otherwise would have had your child been completely aware. Nor will the eyes melt out of his or her head; a blessed mercy to spare a child this fate!
If you require another reason to keep your children inside and away from the clown menace, let us think of something more practical. As we all know, the rise of the disappearance of children has a direct correspondence with the rise of the clown population. Though as yet we do not understand the direct cause-and-effect of the process, we have all seen clowns wander away and out of sight with eyeless children stumbling along behind them, and we can assume that these children have lost all agency. It is not unreasonable to infer that the children thus led away are in some process made to become clowns themselves, or else serve as some sort of catalyst for their reproduction which has no known human correspondence. In any case, where children wander away in their thrall, more clowns inevitably return.
Because no one has ever killed a clown successfully, nor has one ever been seen to die of natural causes, it is imperative that we act with all haste to prevent their ranks from growing! Yet every piece of opinion that I encounter on the subject speaks to the same sentiment: Clowns are not real. That it is better not to think of them at all, lest they steal your breath and allow your teeth fall out of your head in one moment, or that that your skin and sinews will at once deteriorate. That speaking publicly about the clown menace is just cause for swift and terrible persecution.
To these voices I say that this is old advice for a bygone era. It is always difficult to change with the times, but change must be had, especially where clowns are concerned. While it is certainly true that many of us grown adults will surely die of fright, the shivers, the red parasites, common stab wounds, or other clown-based maladies too numerous to count, it can be said with surety: None of our corpses will feed the clowns as the children’s will.
In this way, we may be sure that the already untenable number of predatory clowns does not grow larger, though we may be sure it will not shrink in our lifetimes. The children must grow up with sound morals and be ready to endure adult lives that —as we all know— are nothing if not utterly terrifying.