Hi and welcome to the job interview!
Oh hi! Yeah, sorry about the sweatpants. I was painting and I didn’t have time to change.
Oh, well. That’s bad, but let’s go ahead and get started.
Well, I’ll go ahead and start with some easy ones, how’s that?
Easy questions. I’m sure you’re familiar with regular interview questions?
Oh, right. I remember those.
So, what would you say is your biggest strength?
My biggest strength? God, I haven’t thought about that in ages…
Well, it’s certainly not concentrating on things. I can barely concentrate on anything. I just keep thinking about spacial relationships and negative space. Like, all the time. And colors. I still sort of have to picture a color wheel in my head to remember which colors are complementary, can you believe that? I mean, I made a color wheel at one point but a bunch of the colors on it are a little off, which sucks because I spent like 30 hours on it. Thirty hours on a friggin color wheel. I had to paint like a million swatches and then cut them out with an x-acto knife into little shapes and then glue them onto a board. It was exhausting, and I didn’t even get it right in the end. Um… What was the question?
What is your biggest strength?
Oh yeah. Well, it’s probably not getting things in on time, at least any more. I mean, at first I was turning things in early in the week, but now everything is down to the very last second, and it’s never at the quality I want. Half the assignments are too hard for me to do right and the other half are so dull I can’t even make myself care. So, on a day when I should be working my ass off, I find myself staring vacantly into the internet for hours at a time, before snapping back into conciousness out of pure terror. God, I’m tired. Hey, do you have any coffee here?
Coffee? Well, there is a coffee-maker in the employee lounge…
I’ll be right back.
(leaves. returns with coffee)
This is highly irregular.
I’m sorry, I didn’t have time to remember that I wanted coffee earlier.
So what were we talking about? When I was getting the coffee, I realized I couldn’t remember how you measure a grid out in three point perspective. I mean, I could get a basic grid design going that would probably be fine, but there is some angle you have to measure out if you want to get perfect squares. And believe you me, I want perfect squares. I guess that’s my greatest strength, is my attention to squares.
Okay, I think I have everything I need here.
Oh, that’s great. It’s awesome how short job interviews are these days. I’m so used to things taking forever. Like, I had the easiest assignment in the world due this week, but instead of getting it in early I managed to screw it up all week long and then just procrastinate at the end. But I turned it in at the deadline and got a good grade on it, so in hindsight who is to say how good or bad my work habits are, am I right?
You know, I normally don’t do this, but I would actually like to say this to your face while you are here. Son, you have everything our company is looking for. You’ve got the job!
(cue noisemakers and party horns, loud music, professional dancers, champagne, cherry tartlets, etc. Stock options are distributed. Cigars are lit.)
Somebody fit this boy for a monocle. He’s one of us now! The employed, upper-class!
SCORE: Another stressful social situation successfully managed!