So I got some contact lenses, which seems like an ordinary enough thing to do. I’ve been wearing glasses for years, and even though I’ve long been used to having panes of glass strapped to my head every day, it seemed like a nice change of pace to, you know, not have to do that. But what I didn’t really think about is that you have to actually, literally poke yourself in the eye in order to apply a contact lens. And you sort of have to hold your eyeball open for this to work, so applying contact lenses is at least a little like torture, and so far I am really bad at it. Like dentistry.
But unlike dentistry, contact lenses allow me the fully unique experience of poking myself in the eye for twenty minutes a day, sometimes more, each attempt more futile than the last, as my stupid face rejects the lens over and over again. By the time I get the thing in, it starts burning, and I squeeze half a bottle of solution into my eyes, and wonder if there are any documented pain-deaths from this sort of thing.
But when I get them in, there are all sorts of benefits.
Benefit 1. Walking in the rain doesn’t destroy your vision.
Benefit 2. For some reason, it keeps me from making Popeye face when I am drawing (a growing problem)
Benefit 3. People will finally stop mistaking me for a professor.
Benefit 4. It burns my eyes sometimes.
I’m hoping that by listing that last one as a benefit, it will somehow make me less angry when it happens.
There is just one big problem I have with the lenses, that just might be a dealbreaker, which is that I cannot for the life of me look at computer screens with them on. The letters become meaningless glyphs and squiggles and I can’t focus on anything. Then the contact lenses heat up until they fire straight out of my eyes like torpedoes. Then my pupils start puffing out clouds of black smoke and all I can see is an empty cash register with a red ‘X’ over it, which is very disconcerting (and furthermore, none of these symptoms appear on the warning label).
But imperfections aside I must admit these are pretty exciting times when you can buy little invisible glasses for yourself, which are completely undetectable except for all the eye-poking. We really do live in the future, my friends. Except for all the jet-packs and the flying cars and the moving sidewalks and the nuclear-powered toasters and the rocket colonies and the Japanese mecha-suits constantly fighting each other, we are living the dream.
Oh hey, I made some comics with my fancy future art tools of pencils, paper, a crowquill pen, a brush, and a jar of ink. It is a true story of a time I found a giant ant in Sedona, Arizona.
There is supposed to be a third page where I receive a ticket from a police officer, but (… I got bored) Lettering by: The Lettering Fairy.
Final Grade: Not too shabby. Maybe I’ll color it later, after I fire the Lettering Fairy.